On Saturday, September 19, Thomaie Hilaris, owner of Assisting Hands Home Care of Melrose Park, closed out the Difficult Conversations speaker series at Belmont Village Senior Living Oak Park. Her session, “How to Talk to Parents About Care: The 40/70 Rule,” gave Oak Park and West Suburban families a practical way to start one of the hardest talks in caregiving.
Thomaie opened with a personal story about her Yiayia and the family moment that led her into home care. Her message: we all become caregivers, sooner or later.
Download the Full 40/70 Rule Presentation HERE
What Is the 40/70 Rule?
When your parents are around 70, and you are around 40, it is time to start the conversation about care. Don’t finish it, start it. Before the fall. Before the diagnosis. Families who talk early plan calmly. Families who wait plan in crisis.
A good first sentence: “I’ve been thinking about the future. I want to know what matters most to you.”
Four Conversations Families Are Having Right Now
Thomaie walked attendees through four real scenarios, each with an opener they could use right away:
- Starting the conversation: “I noticed ___. How are you feeling about things at home?”
- The driving conversation: “What would you miss most if you couldn’t drive? Help me understand.” The keys are rarely the real issue. Independence and identity usually are.
- When they say “I’m fine”: “It sounds like this feels like giving something up.” Name the feeling before arguing the facts.
- Getting family on the same page: “How do we make this work for all of us?” Questions that start with “how” or “what” can only be answered together.
The Structure Behind Every Hard Talk
- What: Name one specific thing you noticed. One detail, not a list.
- So what: Label the feeling underneath it.
- Now what: Offer one small, low-commitment next step, and expect three or four conversations, not one.
The session drew on communication experts Jefferson Fisher, Chris Voss, and Vanessa Van Edwards, along with guidance from AARP, the National Institute on Aging, and the Family Caregiver Alliance. Thomaie also covered what families face when no power of attorney is in place, and why a written capacity evaluation and an elder law attorney matter if a crisis has already arrived.
Download the Companion Handout
Attendees received a one-page guide with all four openers and the What, So What, Now What framework. Download the 40/70 Rule handout.
Thank You, Belmont Village Oak Park
Thank you to Belmont Village Senior Living Oak Park and Kimberly LaBounty for hosting the series and to every family who joined us.
When You’re Ready for the “Now What”
You stay the son or daughter. We help carry the rest. Assisting Hands Home Care of Melrose Park offers a free in-home assessment, help starting the conversation alongside your family, and a consistent caregiver your parent gets to know. We serve families across River Forest, Westchester, and the surrounding communities, with senior in-home care and Alzheimer’s and dementia care.
