This weekly Caregiving Tip is for you, to help you express your love for another human being.

We are all caregivers.

If you are a client, a caregiver, a caregiving spouse or family member, a medical provider, or anyone in the business of caring, we are your source for useful caregiving tips that bring connection to your caring work.

What:

A mother and daughter were drinking coffee on the porch.

The mother was 78. She was healthy. There was no crisis.

The mother said, “I was reading something the other day. I want to tell you what I want, when the time comes.”

The daughter froze. She said, “Mom — don’t.”

Her mother smiled. She said:

“Sweetheart. I am not dying today. But I will not always be here. And I would rather we talk now, when it is just a porch and coffee, than when it is a hospital and machines.”

The daughter cried. Her mother held her hand.

Then her mother told her: where she wanted to be at the end. What music. Who she wanted in the room. What she did not want — no breathing tube, no chest compressions, no long, lonely hospital nights.

Five years later, when the time came, the daughter knew exactly what to do.

And what she remembered most was not the day her mother died. It was the porch.

So What:

We think talking about dying brings it closer. We think not talking about it keeps it away.

Both are wrong.

Talking about it does not make it come faster. Not talking about it makes it come harder.

Jefferson Fisher teaches a phrase: 

say it with control. Manage your own emotions so they do not manage you.

When you talk about dying with someone you love, you may cry. They may cry. That is fine. Crying is not losing control. Crying is what love does when truth is in the room.

We do not talk about dying because it ends life. We talk about dying because it shapes the life we have left.

Now What:  Try this…

This week, start the conversation no one wants to start.

You don’t have to do it all at once. Try one of these openers:

“If something happened to you, would I know what you would want? I want to make sure I do.”

“Can we talk about what ‘a good day’ would look like, even at the end?”

“Is there anyone you would want with you? Anyone you would not?”

Then listen. Write things down. Promise nothing you can’t keep. Tell the truth back.

This is the most important talk you may ever have. It is also one of the most generous.

FOR MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS:  There are excellent free resources for families. The Conversation Project (Institute for Healthcare Improvement) offers a Starter Guide. Five Wishes (from Aging With Dignity) is a legally recognized advance directive in 42 states. In Illinois, the Hospice eligibility is generally a prognosis of six months or less if the illness runs its expected course — most families do not know this, and they enroll far too late to benefit fully.

Weekly Moment of Beauty:

Atul Gawande, the surgeon and writer, said something I will never forget.

“Our ultimate goal is not a good death. It is a good life — all the way to the very end.”

The conversation you have on the porch, today, is what makes a good life possible at the end.

You are not bringing death closer. You are bringing life — your loved one’s whole life — into focus.

 

With gratitude,

Thomaie Hilaris

Assisting Hands Home Care

P.S. — Every care plan starts with a conversation. Reach out this week and let’s talk about what peace of mind could look like for your family.