This weekly Caregiving Tip is for you, to help you express your love for another human being.

We are all caregivers.

If you are a client, a caregiver, a caregiving spouse or family member, a medical provider, or anyone in the business of caring, we are your source for useful caregiving tips that bring connection to your caring work.

What:

Three adult siblings sat in a small conference room. Their mother had just been moved to rehab after a fall.

The oldest sister was already doing most of the work. She was tired. She was angry.

The brother lived two hours away. He felt guilty. He covered it by giving directions.

The youngest sister felt left out. She talked over her older sister. The older sister stopped talking at all.

Sound familiar?

Then their mother’s social worker said one quiet thing. She said:

“How can we make this work for all three of you — and for your mother?”

Something changed in the room. Each of them took a breath. They started telling the truth.

So What:

In sibling talks, the argument is rarely the argument.

Chris Voss calls this “the knot under the rope.” Jefferson Fisher calls it “finding the struggle (also the knot).”

The argument may sound like: who pays for the aide. Whose house mom should live in. Who comes for holidays.

But underneath, the real questions are older. Did mom love me as much as you? Did I do enough as a kid? Am I being seen now?

Voss teaches a tool he calls the calibrated question. It uses the words “how” or “what.” It cannot be answered with yes or no. It opens the door.

“How do we make this work for everyone?”        

“What does each of us need from this meeting?”

“What would mom want?”

These questions cannot be won. They can only be answered together.

In family, the truth is rarely the disagreement. The truth lives underneath it.

Now What:  Try this…

If you have a sibling meeting coming up, try this:

• Before the meeting.  Write down what you actually need. Not what you want them to do. What you need.
• At the start.  Ask one calibrated question. “How do we make this work for all of us?”
• When you disagree.  Try Jefferson Fisher’s line: “Help me find the knot.” It will sound funny. It will work.
• Aim for “that’s right.”  Voss says that when your sibling says “that’s right,” you have stopped arguing. You have started listening.

FOR MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS:  Family meetings are a clinical skill. The VITAL Talk framework, developed by Anthony Back and colleagues, gives clinicians a structured approach to leading them. For families that cannot find their footing on their own, an Aging Life Care Manager (Aging Life Care Association) can be a strong neutral facilitator. The AARP Caregiver Resource Center has free family meeting templates. We are also a resource — a third party in the room can change everything.

Weekly Moment of Beauty:

There is an old saying I have heard from many families over the years.

“In caring for one parent, you discover what kind of siblings you really have.”

Sometimes that discovery hurts.

Sometimes it surprises you. The brother you thought would disappear shows up. The sister you fought with for thirty years sits down beside you in the hospital and says nothing — and that is everything.

Caregiving is a hard teacher. But it can also be a generous one.

 

With gratitude,

Thomaie Hilaris

Assisting Hands Home Care

P.S. — Every care plan starts with a conversation. Reach out this week and let’s talk about what peace of mind could look like for your family.