This weekly Caregiving Tip is for you, to help you express your love for another human being.

We are all caregivers.

If you are a client, a caregiver, a caregiving spouse or family member, a medical provider, or anyone in the business of caring, we are your source for useful caregiving tips that bring connection to your caring work.

What:

A daughter knew her father should stop driving.

He had backed into the mailbox twice. He missed a stop sign on Cermak. He came home from a short trip looking confused.

She tried to bring it up. He shut her down.

“I am fine. I have been driving for sixty years.”

She tried again. He got angry. They did not speak for a week.

The third time, she did something different.

She did not say, “You need to stop driving.”

She said, “Dad — what would you miss most if you couldn’t drive? Help me understand.”

He thought for a long moment. He said, “I would miss going to see my brother on Sundays. I would miss going to the bakery for the bread your mother used to like.”

She wrote those things down. She said, “Okay. Then we are going to make sure you keep going to your brother and to the bakery. That is the goal.”

Two weeks later, he handed her the keys himself.

So What:

The trial lawyer Jefferson Fisher teaches something important. He says: in a hard talk, do not pull on the rope. Find the knot.

The knot in the driving talk is not the keys. The knot is the world the keys give them.

Independence. Friendship. Identity. The bakery on Saturday. The brother on Sunday. The mail on Tuesday.

Take away the keys without naming the world, and you will lose the talk. Name the world first, and you will keep them — and one day, they may even hand the keys to you.

The honorable conversation is the one we keep having until it lands.

Now What:  Try this…

This week, if you have a driving talk to start, try this opener instead of the usual one.

“What would you miss most if you couldn’t drive? Help me understand.”

Then listen. Write down what they say. Don’t argue.

After you understand the world they want to keep, you can plan together. The bakery becomes Wednesday with you. The brother gets a ride from a neighbor. The mail becomes a stop on your way home.

This is not a one-time talk. It will take three or four. That is normal. Each one gets a little closer.

FOR MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS:  The AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety reports that crash rates per mile climb after age 75 and rise more sharply after assistinghands.com/80/148/illinois/westchester/services/alzheimers-and-dementia-care/”>dementia, the Alzheimer’s Association recommends evaluation when any new signs of disorientation appear behind the wheel.

Weekly Moment of Beauty:

When my grandfather finally handed over his car keys, he kept them in a small dish on his dresser. He never asked for them back.

But once a week, he would pick up the dish, hold the keys in his hand for a moment, and put them back down.

He was not asking to drive. He was honoring something.

Letting go is not the same as forgetting. Sometimes letting go is the most honorable thing we ever do.

 

With gratitude,

Thomaie Hilaris

Assisting Hands Home Care

P.S. — Every care plan starts with a conversation. Reach out this week and let’s talk about what peace of mind could look like for your family.