This weekly Caregiving Tip is for you, to help you express your love for another human being.

We are all caregivers.

If you are a client, a caregiver, a caregiving spouse or family member, a medical provider, or anyone in the business of caring, we are your source for useful caregiving tips that bring connection to your caring work.

What:

There is one talk many of us put off.

We mean to have it. We don’t.

A sister waited until her brother had a serious infection

The infection put him in the hospital.  It also broke the chance to talk openly. 

In the hospital — with tubes, beeping machines, and rushing nurses — her brother could not answer the big questions.

Who do you want to make choices for you?  What interventions do you want? How much do you want us to fight?  What matters most to you now?

Her brother looked scared. The sister looked sorry.

They had run out of time to plan. They had not run out of love. They had run out of time.

So What:

There is a name for this kind of waiting. It is called the 40-70 Rule.

The idea is simple: when your parents are around 70 and you are around 40, start the talk. Not the whole talk. Just the beginning.

Before the fall. Before the stroke. Before the diagnosis.

We don’t avoid these talks because we don’t love our parents. We avoid them because we love them. We don’t want to scare them. We don’t want them to feel less.

But love that hides from the truth is not love yet. It is only kindness.

The trial lawyer Jefferson Fisher says it well: there is kindness in being direct.

Honesty is what love sounds like when it is brave.

Now What: Try this…

This week, start the talk. Don’t try to finish it. Just begin.

Try this opener:

“I’ve been thinking about the future. I want to know what matters most to you.”

That is the whole sentence. Then stop. Listen.

You are not asking them to plan today. You are saying: I want to know you, and I want to be ready when the time comes.

You may not get answers in one sitting. That is fine. The first talk just opens the door. The second one walks through it.

FOR MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS:  The Family Caregiver Alliance reports more than 53 million Americans now give unpaid care to a loved one. Most stepped into the role after a crisis — because the conversation never happened. When you discuss discharge planning, the 40-70 Rule gives families a gentle door to begin one. 

Weekly Moment of Beauty:

My daughter spoke unkindly, in anger, as we were leaving for school in the morning. My husband turned to her and asked, “Is this how we part from another? Tomorrow is not promised to us. Do you want those to be the last words we say to one another? Try again.” And she did. 

There is a grace in reminding each other to speak with kindness. We don’t know what tomorrow brings. 

 

With gratitude,

Thomaie Hilaris,

Assisting Hands Home Care

P.S. — Every care plan starts with a conversation. Reach out this week and let’s talk about what peace of mind could look like for your family.