This weekly Caregiving Tip is for you, to help you express your love for another human being.

We are all caregivers.

If you are a client, a caregiver, a caregiving spouse or family member, a medical provider, or anyone in the business of caring, we are your source for useful caregiving tips that bring connection to your caring work.

What:

A daughter was sitting with her mother, who has Alzheimer’s.

Her mother turned to her and said, “Where is your father? He should be home by now.”

Her father had died ten years ago.

The daughter used to say, “Mom, Dad died. Don’t you remember?”

Her mother’s face would fall. She would learn the news of her husband’s death — again — every week. Sometimes every day.

One day, the daughter learned something new. She tried a different answer.

She said, “You must miss him so much. Tell me about him.”

Her mother smiled. “Oh, he was a wonderful dancer. Did you know that? At the Aragon Ballroom. He used to wear that blue suit.”

They talked about her father for an hour. Her mother was happy. The daughter was, too. No one had to grieve him a second time.

So What:

Naomi Feil was a social worker. She grew up among the elderly. She watched what happens when we try to drag a person with dementia back into our world.

They become scared. They feel disrespected. They shut down — or they fight.

So she built a new way. She called it the Validation Method.

The idea is simple: do not correct. Do not argue with their reality. Step into their world. Honor the feeling, even when the facts have slipped.

This is not lying. This is love that meets them where they are.

In dementia, we do not pull them back to our world. We step into theirs.

Now What:  Try this…

This week, if your loved one says something that is not factually true, try this:

• Don’t correct.  Don’t say “that’s not right” or “remember, Mom died.”
• Do listen for the feeling.  Are they missing someone? Scared? Hoping for comfort?
• Answer the feeling.  “You must miss him.”  “It sounds like you are worried.”  “Tell me about her.”

Then follow them into the story. Ask one gentle question. Let them lead.

You are not lying to them. You are speaking to the part of them that is still fully there — the heart.

FOR MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS:  The Validation Method is now taught at the Validation Training Institute, with growing adoption in geriatric medicine. A 2024 proof-of-concept program for physicians is available through the Validation Training Institute. Teepa Snow’s Positive Approach to Care offers another evidence-aligned communication framework. The Alzheimer’s Association’s free 24/7 Helpline (800-272-3900) is a strong referral for families just learning how to do this.

Weekly Moment of Beauty:

We meet our loved ones where they are, helping them get to where they need to be until the very end. And sometimes, their health decline is our growth. 

This is what love does.

It does not require the other person to be who they were. It loves them as they are, right now, in this room, in this hour.

That is a grace we can give. Every day.

 

With gratitude,

Thomaie Hilaris

Assisting Hands Home Care

P.S. — Every care plan starts with a conversation. Reach out this week and let’s talk about what peace of mind could look like for your family.