This weekly Caregiving Tip is for you, to help you express your love for another human being.
We are all caregivers.
If you are a client, a caregiver, a caregiving spouse or family member, a medical provider, or anyone in the business of caring, we are your source for useful caregiving tips that bring connection to your caring work.
What:
A son had to tell his father that the cancer had spread.
He sat in the kitchen and tried to find the right words. He had been to four appointments. He had read every report. He knew.
His father did not know yet.
The son took a breath. He said: “Dad. The news from the doctor today was hard. Can we sit with it together?”
His father nodded.
The son said what he had to say. He did not soften it. He did not rush it. He said the truth in small pieces, and he waited after each piece.
When he was done, his father was quiet. Then his father said, “Thank you for telling me. I want to know everything.”
They sat at the kitchen table for a long time. They cried. Then they made tea.
So What:
We think telling the truth will crush the people we love. So we wrap it in soft words until they cannot find the truth inside.
That is not kindness. That is fog. And fog is a lonely place to stand.
Chris Voss, the FBI hostage negotiator who wrote Never Split the Difference, teaches a tool called tactical empathy. The idea is simple. You name what the other person might be feeling, before they have to say it.
You start with phrases like: “It sounds like…” “It seems like this is a lot to take in.” “It feels like you might be scared right now.”
Voss calls this labeling. Labeling does something quiet but powerful. It helps the other person feel seen. And when people feel seen, they can hear hard news.
Hope is not the opposite of truth. Hope is what truth makes room for.
Now What: Try this…
This week, when you have hard news to share, try this small plan:
- Set the room. Sit down. Turn off the TV. Put down your phone.
- Ask first. “Is this a good time to talk about something hard?”
- Label what they may feel. “It seems like this is going to be a lot.”
- Say the truth in small pieces. Pause after each one.
- Sit with the silence. Do not fill it. Let the truth find its place.
You are not stealing hope. You are giving them the chance to hold it for what it really is.
FOR MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS: Many oncologists and palliative care teams use the SPIKES protocol when sharing serious news — Setting, Perception, Invitation, Knowledge, Emotions, Strategy. Developed at MD Anderson Cancer Center, it pairs well with Voss’s labeling. Both ask the same first question: What does this person already know, and what are they ready to hear?
Weekly Moment of Beauty:
A hospice chaplain once told me her favorite sentence.
She uses it when a family is afraid to tell the truth to their loved one.
She says, gently: “Your father has been alive for a long time. He has seen hard things. Trust him with this one too.”
That, too, is a kind of love.
With gratitude,
Thomaie Hilaris
Assisting Hands Home Care
P.S. — Every care plan starts with a conversation. Reach out this week and let’s talk about what peace of mind could look like for your family.
